Judeo Freedom

May Day. 

Mayday.

My heart swelled with pride this morning when I thought back to the great self-sacrificial act we Americans performed for the people of Iraq. Yes, we had a bit of help from Britain, so you Brits can share some of the joy I feel... ditto you Poles and French and Germans and the other judeafied peoples of the planet who worked together to bring about this Utopian vision. We should all give ourselves a pat on the back. But really, the great accomplishments could not have happened without America's lead. 

It took a decade, give or take a few months, but, with determination and lots of money and a superior military, we Americans came together as one in order to gift Iraq with judeo freedom. 

Judeo Freedom is kind of a weird gift when you think about it. After all, 'they' blew up our buildings with their expert piloting capabilities all because they 'hate our freedoms' here in America. So one might think to himself: 'Hmmm. Perhaps Iraq isn't looking for freedom since they attacked us 'cause they hate ours...' But that's not entirely accurate. Our great leader, Mr. President George 'Johnny Walker' Bush probably misspoke a bit when he gave that quote (I think Democrats backdoored the poor man's teleprompter, and that's why he's famous for mis-statements and gaffes). He probably meant to qualify it a bit, saying: 'a few of them, the more backward ones, hate our freedoms. Well, that's not very Texan of 'em, is it? So we're gonna unite here, support the troops, and give 'em a taste of American freedom!' 

No worries, cause now that they're free in Iraq and the oil is flowin' and Shell and Brit Petrol and Chevron are happy, I asked myself: 'how's things going over in Iraq? Is George W Bush still the national hero of Mesopotamia? Have the judeo freedoms we gave 'em superseded Islam to become their new national religion? Do they need streetlights at night, or does all the DU we kindly left 'em light things up real pretty like?'

Well, turns out, and I must admit to being flabbergasted about this, the Iraqis haven't really embraced the gift we so generously sacrificed to give them. And personally, I think that's a real slap in the face. After all we Americans have done for those Iraqis, one would think they'd have by now put aside their petty differences and united as one, like us Yanks did for them. But no, turns out Iraq is sinking into despair. Buck up, Iraq! This is no way to thank us for our selfless sacrifice! Grow a pair and embrace your 21st Century judeafied Freedom!

Cheer that you now have the freedom to watch American television and Holy Wood jewish films and pornography! Dance in streets at the thought of your daughters appearing in the porn we produce here in the land of the free! Embrace the Big Mac, and other culinary delights we'll wow you with! All the goodness of judeo freedom is laid out for you - join in! 

But this 'woe is me' attitude has to stop. We've sacrificed much too much to share with you the freedoms we all enjoy here in the US.
I'm not a Harvard trained psychoanalyst (no, not even a community college trained psychoanalyst) so I could be way off here, but I'm thinking your problem, Iraq, has something to do with that thing we in the West used to call a 'conscience'.  Yours is guilty (yeah, ours used to be, too. As far as I can remember it those damn consciences were always guilty about some little thing or the other).  But you know, deep down, you want to embrace all we have offer: You want to try a speedball. You'd get a kick out of seeing your boys and girls selling themselves on streetcorners in the Red-Light district of Baghdad. Have an orgy with your neighbors. Watch all the great television programming us and Europe exports to your living room. 

Admit it, Iraq. The temptation is there. But the problem is you still, collectively, have a conscience. We've had that difficulty before here in America and in Europe. People, seduced by religion, believing the Creator actually cares how one's soul performs on this Earthly plane. Trusting in an afterlife. Believing there's something bigger than oneself. Concern for one's blood relations. 

Supersticious Hocus Pocus, we say! 

It is amazing what a couple of world wars, a couple of depressions, a federal reserve, media, and judeo christianity can accomplish in the fight against the conscience! Now, conscience is a relic of an old, dark age. And we're livin' it up over here; happy, and as ML King Jr. said: ' Free at last, thank my self I'm free at last from that damn conscience! ' 

And here's the good news. It doesn't take a whole lot of effort to rub out the conscience and learn to live for your desires, not some Allah or Yahweh or God or other supernatural superstition. Alcohol (whiskey, vodka, gin, rum, tequila) is a good place to start. Don't bother with beer and wine as that's like boarding a slow boat to China. No, start with good, old fashioned Liquor. Booze hard and heavy. Yeah, it'll take a bit of getting used to the mornings after, but we learned long ago to start the day with a shot or two (and if you do like beer, the morning's the best time for it - try a boilermaker!). Follow that with some strong Starbucks Coffee (if you have to work, that is). Cocaine is plentiful. Over-priced but ubiquitous. Let us know if the CIA is sending you regular shipments. If not, I'll write my Congressman.  If the coffee doesn't get your motor revvin', there's nothing wrong with a toot or two of coke to lubricate the body. 
I'll admit, daytime can be somewhat difficult, and you'll find your conscience trying to break out of the shackles when you least expect it. A piece of music, a snippet of conversation, a moment of reflection or daydream can all bring with them a pang of guilt. Ignore it. Replace that guilt by instead focusing on what tonight has in store! What carnal lusts will be satisfied after work? You name it! Sex with girls? Sex with boys?? Sex with toys??? Judeo Freedom demands you be satiated! The evening is all about sex. Watch it on a screen. Watch it on a stage. Watch it on the street. Watch it in a barn. But all that watching gets kinda old. You want to join in - get up and off! This is where some more cocaine will likely come in handy. Give some to her. Give some to him. Give some to yourself. Love yourself! Sex = Love! 

Now, sooner or later, the night's festivities must end. 

This is where some opium comes in handy. There's no better way to come down off that high of booze and coke and sex than to spend a bit of time chasing the dragon. Nod off thinking of the freedom tomorrow will bring! The conscience (until thoroughly eliminated) can and will still pop up at night. This is the most dangerous time of day. You must fight it will all the debauchery you can muster. 

Now, after some time experiencing judeo freedom you'll find your conscience is in remission. You'll also find your sex life is in remission as all the drugs and booze and deviant sex tends, over time, to numb and flaccidize your penis. Tying up your partners, chains and whips, even beatings no longer satisfy. Boys, girls, goats, old ladies and old men no longer arouse your desires. There's also a pretty good chance you'll have, by this time, encountered at least one sexually transmitted disease (we have so many forms of them here in the 'land of the free' that we simply abbreviate those three words as "STD's"). This is where you'll come to appreciate another of America's exports: pharmaceuticals. 

You'll need a pill to knock you out so you can sleep at night. I'm not certain why this is. One would think, when the conscience has been removed from the body, one would sleep like a baby, but this most definitely is not the case. No matter, as we have science! Another pill will energize you in the morning (though Starbucks coffee is still recommended). By this point in your journey to Ecstasy you'll very likely be experiencing mood swings and something called: 'Clinical Depression'. The depression can take on many forms. Maybe you'll eat too much and then puke it back up. Perhaps something seemingly benign will cause you to break out in tears or a cold sweat. It could be that you begin slicing up your body or filling it with tattoos and piercings. You may find yourself angry at those around you. Don't worry! All this is a natural bi-product of judeo freedom and should be embraced. After all, these new traits of yours are what makes You YOU! And dammit, you are special. So while embracing this new improved you, you'll also want a competent psychiatrist to treat you at this stage. He or she can prescribe a plethora of new, modern pills. It will likely take some time to figure out what best works for your conditions, and in what strength you can tolerate. So be a patient patient at this point. Some go off the rails here and actually kill themselves - others kill others then kill themselves. It really isn't nice to kill others, not that there's anything wrong with it, but you have to admit, it does sort of limit the freedom available to the folks you kill. So I'd recommend shying away from that - besides if you thought prison was bad under Saddam - well you saw what they're like after being Americanized when you saw Abu  Grebe. That was the so-called 'tip of the iceberg' as to what they'll be like soon enough. So if you do kill others, I strongly recommend you take your own life immediately afterwords to avoid a cell. 

Gosh, that was kind of a negative paragraph, wasn't it? Let's change the mood here - hold on - I just need to pour myself a glass of fluoridated water and take a few of these pills from my 'Medicine Reminder' - just a sec.... 

Ahh, yeah....

Now, if you began your journey of judeo freedom as a teenager (and all children should start down this road right away - you'll learn that once we've fixed your education system for you, but that's a story for another day) you'll probably be in your late twenties to late thirties by this point. That's a good time to begin, should you wish, to care about others. What about the children of today? Can they experience the freedom of sex with adults? No? Is it right that children in school should have to pass the day coping with all that pent-up sexual energy? Of course not! Consider agitating for 'privacy rooms' in schools where the little ones can go off to and get off. And, other rooms should be 'publicity rooms' where one or two can watch the others ... voyeurs have rights too, you know. Whatever your calling, a fulfilling way to spend your middle age is bringing judeo freedom to the young. 

It is certain there'll still be pockets of resistance to judeo freedom, some organized by old ogres preaching from the Koran. We had some of these in America back in the Dark Ages. Consider working to eliminate these points of resistance. One thing that was very successful for us was using the media to promote good JudeoChristian preachers and priests while at the same time demonizing the few who preached what they sometimes called 'Christ-like behaviour' (you know, 'treat others as you wish to be treated' and 'there's no qualification on ''thou shall not kill'', blah blah blah). I'm not familiar with your phony-baloney Islam (though we Americans do have respect for all religions of the world) but I'll bet you have some of the same types in Iraq today. You must work to eliminate these men from your public square. Chop down their platforms and ridicule them whenever they speak. Soon enough they'll be relegated to the bowels of the internet, or some other dark and foreboding place.  

I hope my advice helps all you Iraqis (and it should be taken to heart by Libyans, Afghans, Egyptians, and Syrians... and you Iranians? Hold out hope - any day now we'll sacrifice to bring judeo freedoms to you as well) and one day we can we can all together engage in a massive, one world, drug fueled orgy!

Until that great day arrives, it looks as if you Iraqis will have to deal with this , so you can thank us later:

Violence in Iraq rose sharply in April, with 460 people killed according to figures, raising fears of a return to the all-out sectarian conflict that plagued the country in past years. The majority of the deaths came during a wave of unrest that began on April 23 when security forces moved on Sunni anti-government protesters near the northern Sunni Arab town of Hawijah, sparking clashes that killed 53 people. Dozens more people died in subsequent violence that included revenge attacks on security forces. The demonstrations erupted in Sunni areas of Shiite-majority Iraq more than four months ago. Protesters have called for the resignation of Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki, a Shiite, and railed against authorities for allegedly targeting their community with wrongful detentions and accusations of involvement in terrorism. Unrest in April also wounded 1,219 people, according to figures, which are based on reports from security and medical sources. Among the dead in April were 54 police, 53 soldiers, 14 Sahwa anti-Al-Qaeda militiamen, and two members of the Kurdish security forces. The wounded included 171 police, 76 soldiers, eight Sahwa fighters and five Kurdish security forces members. The majority of the rest of those killed and wounded in April were civilians, although the figures also include some gunmen who were killed in fighting with security forces. In March, 271 people were killed and 906 wounded in violence, though that number only included security forces and civilians. The month of May got off to a bloody start, with a suicide bomber killing five people Wednesday when he targeted Sahwa anti-Al-Qaeda militiamen in Fallujah, west of Baghdad, while a car bomb in the Iraqi capital left three more dead, security and medical officials said. "Conditions have definitely worsened in the country," said John Drake, an Iraq specialist with risk consulting firm AKE Group. "If the government fails to contain the unrest and address some of the grievances of the protesters, the momentum could certainly build and lead to a reemergence of widespread violence," he said. The wave of unrest at the end of April raised fears in Iraq of a return to the bloody Sunni-Shiite violence that left tens of thousands of people dead in 2007-08. Maliki warned of "those who want to take the country back to sectarian civil war," and also said that sectarian strife "came back to Iraq because it began in another place in this region," an apparent reference to Syria. The civil war in neighbouring Syria pitting mainly Sunni Muslim rebels against the regime of President Bashar al-Assad, a member of the Alawite offshoot of Shiite Islam, has killed more than 70,000 people. Abdulghafur al-Samarraie and Saleh al-Haidari, top clerics who respectively head the Sunni and Shiite religious endowments, meanwhile held a joint news conference in which they warned against sectarian strife. Samarraie said there were "malicious plans... with the goal of taking the country towards sectarian conflict." Violence in Iraq has fallen from its peak during the peak of the sectarian conflict in 2006 and 2007, when death tolls of over 1,000 a month were reported. But attacks remain common, with people killed on 29 of the 30 days in April, and more than 200 people dead in unrest each month so far this year.